Jade Black wrote: ↑Mon Aug 29, 2022 1:53 am1. Are you 18 or older? We want to know if anyone is under 18 years of age. Being under 18 will not bar you from participating in our community. Rather, this will allow us to gauge who is acting inappropriately toward minors.
yes I am 27 yeas old
2. Do you have past experience with collaborative writing or roleplay, and if so, roughly how much? You can be brief. This is intended to help us provide useful feedback in your approval.
ues I have been rping off and no roleplay and ttrpg for over ten years
3. You may include an optional (SHORT!) Roleplay sample for people to read that gives a feel for your character in writing.
"What do you mean your not coming to atlas adcamy with us next year and that your moving to vale?" the white haired boy with the gears in his head. "Da I'm going to beacon its been great living with you guys but dandielion works most of the time and her mother comes by to visit so mutch and she hates me she hates all fanus really its so stuffy and uncomfortable there plus the cold weather puts me to sleep and I can barely move most days." Jade said her thick atlasion accent coming though as a smile pulled at her black panted lips. before it fell once more back to its normal scowl when she say who was watching them talk.
Jade black
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Jade Black
- Posts: 3
- Joined: Fri Feb 25, 2022 6:09 am
- Age: 17
- Gender Identity: intersex female
- Race: dragon Faunus wing +fire gland
- Aura Color: Jade green
- Occupation: beacon student
- Semblance Name: Masquerade
- Weapon Name: judgement and dispair
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Myron Hyles
- Posts: 81
- Joined: Sun Dec 13, 2020 4:58 am
- Age: 18
- Gender Identity: Male
- Race: Human
- Aura Color: Turquoise
- Occupation: Student
- Semblance Name: Sleeping Spell
- Weapon Name: 40 Winks
Hello, and sorry but I have trouble reading through this profile. I'll be the first to admit that I'm quite pernickety about grammar and orthograph.
There's a lot of typos, obvious ones, that you could fix by using a spell-checker; plus some sentences end where they shouldn't, but that's less of a problem.
There's a lot of typos, obvious ones, that you could fix by using a spell-checker; plus some sentences end where they shouldn't, but that's less of a problem.
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Al Ciendra
- Posts: 432
- Joined: Tue Feb 02, 2021 5:13 am
- Age: 18
- Gender Identity: Female
- Race: Faunus (Wolf-Ears and Fangs)
- Aura Color: Orange
- Occupation: Beacon Student
- Semblance Name: Volcanic Heart
- Weapon Name: Arcum and Gladio
I agree with Myron on this, your profile is hard to read in it's current state.
I would recommend you this nifty website, which also offers a browser extension that checks typos and grammar for you: https://languagetool.org
Until you correct your profile I'll wait on voting.
I would recommend you this nifty website, which also offers a browser extension that checks typos and grammar for you: https://languagetool.org
Until you correct your profile I'll wait on voting.
Al chatters in #FF5500
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Bartok Evergreen
- Posts: 253
- Joined: Fri Dec 18, 2020 11:13 am
- Age: 18
- Gender Identity: Male
- Race: Faunus (Vampire Bat)
- Aura Color: Blood Red
- Occupation: Student
- Semblance Name: Bleed and Drink
- Weapon Name: Coiled Sting
Most of the spelling errors are gone, so I'll write my review now.
Soooo some things.
1. Secret dragon Faunus tribe in Atlas? Faunus are pretty diverse as a species, the more they mix the more the animal traits get mixed up. You let in one Faunus that isn't a dragon and you could legit get a tiger, snake, bird, and groundhog Faunus in this tribe born naturally. I don't even know how someone would gather up a super rare type of Faunus and then convince them to all go to the most inhospitable place to their kind. A tribe of one specific type of Faunus is not really feasible.
Also, a DRAGON tribe, which by the description of how Jade needs Fire Dust to keep warm, in ATLAS? The Frozen wasteland? AND the place that hates Faunus the most? Atlas would more likely put them all to work in forges and factories than let them just sit out there and do their own thing. This whole thing does not work. Location, the population, all of it.
2. Ex-Military Parents and Jade. You talk a lot about how Jade has been trained militarily. Ex-Military parents, went to Atlas, took leadership courses, etc. But her whole character itself does not fit that. Super shy, edgy, hides who she really is? You get all of that beat out of you in the military with no remorse. You get no coddling. You do the work and you do it right. You don't constantly hide your face with a hood, you get that hood torn from you and thrown in the fire and yelled at to get back in line, lift that chin and look forward. You shape up or get kicked out. This does not fit Jade. And it's not a matter of "the military training has pushed the real Jade so far under and now it's starting to come out". All those years of training along with growing up with two parents that were also molded by that lifestyle? Military IS Jade, that IS how she is, or rather should be with such a background. She either stuck with all those years and became far more practical, blunt, no hiding, no shyness, straight forward approach or she wimped out and decided her feelings got too hurt and went to a Huntsman academy instead.
3. There are a few characteristics to Jade that you make sure to point out that, while alone are not problems, but together and the way you present her it makes me feel like you are bringing the wrong character to Colors. Intersex, Female, Homosexual, Polyamorous, the detail about the large breasts... This isn't that kind of RP site. Relationships happen, but they are kept pretty PG. Nothing that would really care about any of those things happens. Smut does not happen on site, nor anything close to it. Jade seems like she was born on Tumblr or Twitter and then brought here. And while we're on the topic, she was born naturally from two moms? Uh, even if one's intersex I'm pretty sure that's not how that works.
4. Her weapons. Although being trained in the military would have her trained in the usual firearms, like handguns, rifles, explosives, etc., we know from the assortment of weapons in RWBY that as soon as you enter the Huntsman academy that those go out the window. But those would still be the weapons she is mostly used to and comfortable with. Plus, you detail how she has survived in the wild for so many years. Not with her tribe? Or does living in a gated community count as living in the wild? I feel like a weapon that doesn't rely so much on expensive ammunition would fit her better. Axes, knives, spears, chords and ropes and traps. Mixing the two backgrounds, military and living in the wild, would be cool. Like a rifle with a bayonet that can shoot to stick into something, tied to the gun so you can swing or pull something towards you. Something like that fits her background far more to me than two gauntlet machine guns with belts wrapped around her arms. Think Native American joined the military, and using knowledge and techniques from both sides to fight. Also a side note, I don't think Aura-piercing rounds are a thing. Plus you don't need those fighting Grimm.
All in all, I think this will be my first solid "No" vote I've given on the site. I usually abstain and wait for things to be fixed, but with this much and how tied to it you seem to be on Discord, I'm going to vote "No" until ALL of these are addressed and, as per the Approval Voting Rules, will remain a "No" until another approval thread is presented.
Soooo some things.
1. Secret dragon Faunus tribe in Atlas? Faunus are pretty diverse as a species, the more they mix the more the animal traits get mixed up. You let in one Faunus that isn't a dragon and you could legit get a tiger, snake, bird, and groundhog Faunus in this tribe born naturally. I don't even know how someone would gather up a super rare type of Faunus and then convince them to all go to the most inhospitable place to their kind. A tribe of one specific type of Faunus is not really feasible.
Also, a DRAGON tribe, which by the description of how Jade needs Fire Dust to keep warm, in ATLAS? The Frozen wasteland? AND the place that hates Faunus the most? Atlas would more likely put them all to work in forges and factories than let them just sit out there and do their own thing. This whole thing does not work. Location, the population, all of it.
2. Ex-Military Parents and Jade. You talk a lot about how Jade has been trained militarily. Ex-Military parents, went to Atlas, took leadership courses, etc. But her whole character itself does not fit that. Super shy, edgy, hides who she really is? You get all of that beat out of you in the military with no remorse. You get no coddling. You do the work and you do it right. You don't constantly hide your face with a hood, you get that hood torn from you and thrown in the fire and yelled at to get back in line, lift that chin and look forward. You shape up or get kicked out. This does not fit Jade. And it's not a matter of "the military training has pushed the real Jade so far under and now it's starting to come out". All those years of training along with growing up with two parents that were also molded by that lifestyle? Military IS Jade, that IS how she is, or rather should be with such a background. She either stuck with all those years and became far more practical, blunt, no hiding, no shyness, straight forward approach or she wimped out and decided her feelings got too hurt and went to a Huntsman academy instead.
3. There are a few characteristics to Jade that you make sure to point out that, while alone are not problems, but together and the way you present her it makes me feel like you are bringing the wrong character to Colors. Intersex, Female, Homosexual, Polyamorous, the detail about the large breasts... This isn't that kind of RP site. Relationships happen, but they are kept pretty PG. Nothing that would really care about any of those things happens. Smut does not happen on site, nor anything close to it. Jade seems like she was born on Tumblr or Twitter and then brought here. And while we're on the topic, she was born naturally from two moms? Uh, even if one's intersex I'm pretty sure that's not how that works.
4. Her weapons. Although being trained in the military would have her trained in the usual firearms, like handguns, rifles, explosives, etc., we know from the assortment of weapons in RWBY that as soon as you enter the Huntsman academy that those go out the window. But those would still be the weapons she is mostly used to and comfortable with. Plus, you detail how she has survived in the wild for so many years. Not with her tribe? Or does living in a gated community count as living in the wild? I feel like a weapon that doesn't rely so much on expensive ammunition would fit her better. Axes, knives, spears, chords and ropes and traps. Mixing the two backgrounds, military and living in the wild, would be cool. Like a rifle with a bayonet that can shoot to stick into something, tied to the gun so you can swing or pull something towards you. Something like that fits her background far more to me than two gauntlet machine guns with belts wrapped around her arms. Think Native American joined the military, and using knowledge and techniques from both sides to fight. Also a side note, I don't think Aura-piercing rounds are a thing. Plus you don't need those fighting Grimm.
All in all, I think this will be my first solid "No" vote I've given on the site. I usually abstain and wait for things to be fixed, but with this much and how tied to it you seem to be on Discord, I'm going to vote "No" until ALL of these are addressed and, as per the Approval Voting Rules, will remain a "No" until another approval thread is presented.
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Al Ciendra
- Posts: 432
- Joined: Tue Feb 02, 2021 5:13 am
- Age: 18
- Gender Identity: Female
- Race: Faunus (Wolf-Ears and Fangs)
- Aura Color: Orange
- Occupation: Beacon Student
- Semblance Name: Volcanic Heart
- Weapon Name: Arcum and Gladio
While Tabby has pointed out the biggest flaws in the profile already I would like to add that in her personality you mention her semblance having side effect, yet besides draining aura you never mentioned the side effect in her profile.
You also mentioned her using her semblance in her backstory first to get help when her friends were sinking in cold water thanks to a nevermore attack, but I don't see how her semblance was the differnce maker in that situation, unless it boosts her physical strength ?
It would not have mattered if jade looked like herself or her human mom in a close knit community, as she evidently did have friends.
Also, I get that racism towards Faunus is bad, especially in atlas, but has Jade internalized it this badly in the short time she actually spent at an atlesian school compared to how long she spent home ?
Either way, my vote will also be a no until the many issues that Jade currently has are fixed.
You also mentioned her using her semblance in her backstory first to get help when her friends were sinking in cold water thanks to a nevermore attack, but I don't see how her semblance was the differnce maker in that situation, unless it boosts her physical strength ?
It would not have mattered if jade looked like herself or her human mom in a close knit community, as she evidently did have friends.
Also, I get that racism towards Faunus is bad, especially in atlas, but has Jade internalized it this badly in the short time she actually spent at an atlesian school compared to how long she spent home ?
Either way, my vote will also be a no until the many issues that Jade currently has are fixed.
Al chatters in #FF5500
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Asterion Khryseos
- Posts: 113
- Joined: Sun Aug 22, 2021 9:57 pm
- Age: 18
- Gender Identity: Male
- Race: Faunus (Bull Horns)
- Aura Color: Gold - CFB53B
- Occupation: Student
- Semblance Name: Dynamo
- Weapon Name: Lustrous Chimera
As it stands, I cannot approve this app. I apologise in advance if any of this comes across as unkind, but I believe that it must be said regardless.
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1) As has been outlined by the posters before me, the app contains numerous spelling and grammatical errors. While the odd few could be excused, there are so many present that it is difficult to parse large portions of it. This also goes for your writing sample. While the general gist of it can be understood, it is in dire need of proofreading. For an RP to go smoothly, people need to be able to understand your posts clearly, and this cannot be done unless the spelling and grammar in your posts is fixed.
In addition to the site provided by Al, I would advise pasting your work into a word processor, like Google Docs, or Microsoft Word. Most options will have a built-in spelling and grammar checker, and while not perfect, they will help you fix the vast majority of them.
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2) I am greatly concerned by her Faunus physiology. I would consider Fire breathing and flight to normally be Semblances on their own, especially in the context of an RP, as they provide a significant advantage in combat. A semblance and a physiology-dependent 'power' is something I would be iffy about, but ultimately accepting, as there is precedent for it in canon. However, as it stands, she has three powers - flight, fire breathing, and her semblance. In my honest opinion, this is far too much, and I would strongly advise picking two of them at the very most.
Perhaps consider making her wings vestigial - i.e. they are there, but cannot provide lift, or aren't strong enough to do much more than let her glide a little.
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3) The following is only really relevant if the "AK" in your weapon description refers to real world AKs, so ignore it if it's just a weapon that happens to share a name with Mikhail Kalashnikov's works.
Remnant does not have any real-world companies in it, so the Kalashnikov Concern (the manufacturers of the AK series of rifles) do not exist in Remnant. However, AK-style rifles would still exist - there would absolutely be demand for inexpensive, reliable, and decently-powerful rifles that use a common ammunition type.
Consider instead describing the characteristics of the rifle part of the gauntlets. Outline the appearance, how the weapon shifts between forms, what sort of ammo is used, what its strengths and weaknesses are, and things like that.
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1) As has been outlined by the posters before me, the app contains numerous spelling and grammatical errors. While the odd few could be excused, there are so many present that it is difficult to parse large portions of it. This also goes for your writing sample. While the general gist of it can be understood, it is in dire need of proofreading. For an RP to go smoothly, people need to be able to understand your posts clearly, and this cannot be done unless the spelling and grammar in your posts is fixed.
In addition to the site provided by Al, I would advise pasting your work into a word processor, like Google Docs, or Microsoft Word. Most options will have a built-in spelling and grammar checker, and while not perfect, they will help you fix the vast majority of them.
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2) I am greatly concerned by her Faunus physiology. I would consider Fire breathing and flight to normally be Semblances on their own, especially in the context of an RP, as they provide a significant advantage in combat. A semblance and a physiology-dependent 'power' is something I would be iffy about, but ultimately accepting, as there is precedent for it in canon. However, as it stands, she has three powers - flight, fire breathing, and her semblance. In my honest opinion, this is far too much, and I would strongly advise picking two of them at the very most.
Perhaps consider making her wings vestigial - i.e. they are there, but cannot provide lift, or aren't strong enough to do much more than let her glide a little.
---
3) The following is only really relevant if the "AK" in your weapon description refers to real world AKs, so ignore it if it's just a weapon that happens to share a name with Mikhail Kalashnikov's works.
Remnant does not have any real-world companies in it, so the Kalashnikov Concern (the manufacturers of the AK series of rifles) do not exist in Remnant. However, AK-style rifles would still exist - there would absolutely be demand for inexpensive, reliable, and decently-powerful rifles that use a common ammunition type.
Consider instead describing the characteristics of the rifle part of the gauntlets. Outline the appearance, how the weapon shifts between forms, what sort of ammo is used, what its strengths and weaknesses are, and things like that.
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Professor Honeydew Monarch
- Posts: 46
- Joined: Sun Aug 11, 2019 4:14 am
- Age: 32
- Gender Identity: Female
- Race: Human
- Aura Color: Seafoam Green
- Occupation: Professor of History and Tactics, Beacon Academy
- Semblance Name: Omnipresence
- Weapon Name: The Kingkiller
I am also including my own "No" vote on this profile as it's currently written. There are a good deal of spelling and grammar errors, as mentioned before, which make a good deal of the profile difficult to decipher. But I think the main point I can make is thus:
Jade Black, as she is on paper right now, feels very unfinished. This is what we in the biz refer to as a "character concept", and while that in and of itself is not a reason to disapprove, as many concepts require active RP to become fully fleshed out characters in their own right, this profile feels extremely skeletal.
It needs more work, more effort put into writing it. It's half-baked, I guess you could say. Needs more time in the oven. It lacks important details, such as why Jade would choose to go to Beacon instead of any other Academy, or what effect the discussed "military training" had on her.
I've got no real stake in going through to pick out everything I see not lining up in the profile, but there's a lot of holes that need to be filled with their backstory, personality, and motivations.
tl;dr - Needs more information.
As this profile has received the requisite number of "No" votes, this thread will now be locked, and the feedback here in preserved for you to read and take to heart while updating your profile further. When you feel you've put enough work into it, you may reapply in a new thread.
Reminder: a "no" does not mean you are banished forever, merely that your profile as it is currently needs work. If you need more help, reach out to people on the Discord, but be open to criticism and feedback, or you're gunna have a bad time.
Jade Black, as she is on paper right now, feels very unfinished. This is what we in the biz refer to as a "character concept", and while that in and of itself is not a reason to disapprove, as many concepts require active RP to become fully fleshed out characters in their own right, this profile feels extremely skeletal.
It needs more work, more effort put into writing it. It's half-baked, I guess you could say. Needs more time in the oven. It lacks important details, such as why Jade would choose to go to Beacon instead of any other Academy, or what effect the discussed "military training" had on her.
I've got no real stake in going through to pick out everything I see not lining up in the profile, but there's a lot of holes that need to be filled with their backstory, personality, and motivations.
tl;dr - Needs more information.
As this profile has received the requisite number of "No" votes, this thread will now be locked, and the feedback here in preserved for you to read and take to heart while updating your profile further. When you feel you've put enough work into it, you may reapply in a new thread.
Reminder: a "no" does not mean you are banished forever, merely that your profile as it is currently needs work. If you need more help, reach out to people on the Discord, but be open to criticism and feedback, or you're gunna have a bad time.