Colors of Remnant

1. Are you 18 or older?

Yes

2. Do you have past experience with collaborative writing or roleplay, and if so, roughly how much? You can be brief. This is intended to help us provide useful feedback in your approval.

Yes but it was from a long time ago, in a web site far far away.

3. Castor had expected to find someone to be his "sparring partner" for the day within the forever fall forest, imagine his immense disappointment when instead of an other huntsman or huntress in training he only came across a lone bewolf. The beast was several time larger than him but with ease Castor was able to move around it's claws and fangs with little effort, if creatures of grimm could feel anything it would probably be offended with how little attention Castor was giving it. Eventually when he had enough of playing around with the poor runt Castor made a quick swipe at the beast's lower jaw with his left hand, taking a small chunk of it off before in one quick motion forcing the broken piece of bone through the rest of it's skull. As the beast soon withered to nothing, Castor could only find enough energy to yawn . After all he was bored out of his mind wanted to find "prey" that was worth his time.

Been a while since i've don any writing let along rp so if there is anything wrong with the character or needs clarification please don't be afraid to ask,

First things first, there is a large amount of typos, most notably at the very beginning with his Outfit Description. Most are small and easily understandable, but that first paragraph tripped me up for a while. I reccommend reading your entire profile outloud to yourself and catch these, as I still have to reread several things in order to understand what you're talking about.

Moving along to his Physical Description, what do his Faunus eyes do? They are snake eyes, and you mention in your Semblance Description that he's colorblind. You should say that in Physical Description along with anything else the snake eyes offers.

For his weapon, you state that strong electircal currents could overload the leather. I would think that natural lightning would count as something powerful enough to do that, but you say he can charge up his gloves with natural lightning. His Fighting Style doesn't talk about the electric build up, so I'm left thinking that when he punches, he shocks them. Electric punches. Sure, that works, but you say in his Weapon Description that he needs to make prolonged contact to shock. Does he grapple and fry his enemies? Does his single punches give a good shock and if he wants/needs to he can grab onto something and fry them?

His Semblance. You talk about 'typical lengths' of the snakes, but he can make them longer if her puts more Aura into them. I have no gauge of what 'typical lengths' are. Are we talking gardener snakes with a foot of maximum reach? Three feet long? Twelve? Do they come out from his hands, or any part of his body? Can he retract these inside? You should also mention that they are slightly translucent(as all summons or outward use of Aura in Semblances that we've seen has been translucent). I would also like to have it clear whether or not they ONLY come from his body and stay attached, or if he can send them out after an opponent away from him.

"while none lethal to most, is quite debilitating to those with aura as it seems the venom is designed to burn through it quickly. The venom won't burn though a person's aura reserves in most cases as it said venom starts to die when it comes into contact with foreign aura." I have little to no idea what this means. It burns through aura but dies when in contact? I'm not sure what you're trying to get across here. Does it disitigrate aura constructs? Does injecting someone drain their Aura? Does it not?

When talking about Dust and the snakes, you mention "The projectile". What projectile? You only mention venom.

That's kinda it. With these addressed and edited, I'd be up to review it again and give a vote.

There are grammatical errors throughout the profile that should probably be addressed.

I really enjoy the overall structure of Castor Archromos’ sheet. The categories transition well into each other.

Some clarification towards Erasmus’ functions is needed. I think it makes sense for continuous movement to increase and generate charge instead of continuous contact. Movement seems to work in favor of the weapon’s electrostatic generator quality while any lack of movement to feed into the generation of electricity would eventually cause the weapon to bleed the held charge from itself from how electricity behaves without a means to store it. No new charge would replace what was being lost, so maybe consider rewording it to such if that what you were going for? Only a suggestion since I may be misunderstanding the concept you’re trying to convey. Detailing a component that lets Erasmus store charges might be worth having. Just some rewording would help convey the functions better, other suggestions aside.

I quite like the Dust synergy Chaotikí Psychí’s venom ability has. Building on that concept alone could be interesting since you can have the snake constructs themselves be made out of venomous Aura. Multiple snakes would thin the venom effect over the numbers, but consolidating them into one “hydra” would multiply the potency, choosing increased lethality in one, slower moving construct over fast, numerous ones. Basically, what you already have, but just the venom aspect as the focus and how it interacts with Dust types instead of the constructs being physical entities.

I’m a bit against Castor’s Semblance evolving to have multiple forms with differing effects, but Freelance, so maybe as long as the different creature forms are tied to specific Dust elements that would work best? It should be fine as it is though for Freelance roleplay.

Ok made adjustments, hopefully fixed the grammar is fixed( you'd think an person with an AA in English literature would be better at that kind of stuff XD) , please let me know what else needs to be worked on or if you guys got any questions.

Everything is fine by my standards, and you addressed everything I mentioned. I think he's a good addition. Yes.

There are many lexical and mechanical issues in the profile, including grammar, tenses, and comma placement (or lack thereof). Additionally, your diction could use another pass, as your current word choice creates some jarring, disjointed clauses that make it hard to follow what you're trying to say in some places.

From what I was able to make of the profile, I don't have any specific issues with the ideas presented therein; however, as I'm unable to determine if my interpretation of what is there is what you intended, I'm afraid I can't vote 'Yes' on this profile until the errors are corrected.

"strange to see aura in someone so young."
I’m unsure about this part as it applies a statement on the setting’s Aura mechanics. Might have to reword it or remove it to avoid making the statement.

Castor’s backstory seems to have a jump in the middle of it. When Castor goes to see the nature of people, it gets interrupted with the appearance of Heru. Her introduction into Castor’s life is meant as an interruption to his current thoughts, but the placement in the telling is slightly jarring. I think that section would really benefit from a bit more transition material to help move that part of his story into the next where Castor finishes his training under Heru. As it is, Castor just kind of leaves his mentor after Set sends him out and dumps him on Heru. I don’t know if that was what you were aiming for, so sorry if I’m not reading that the way you intended. Something like Set discussing with Castor about this changing of tutors would be enough. “I’ve nothing left to teach you, so I got this person to help you learn the rest of what you need to know.” Or “I thought her style would suit you better.” Those are just a few ways to consider. I didn’t see why Set couldn’t do it himself unless he wanted to do something else or was prevented from doing it himself. The original Backstory you posted had a clear reason why that was the case, but Heru becoming Castor’s teacher when Set still seems perfectly capable seems odd to me, especially when Set is still around Castor. What you have right now can still be used. It just needs a bit more detail to why it came about.

I’d like some elaboration on what Castor’s Semblance does. Things like if his summons are physical entities that can interact with things, how Dust interacts with them like if Burn Dust let’s them spit fire, that kind of information.

There is the issue of grammar and misspellings throughout the profile that makes reading through certain parts difficult that you’ll need to address.

Other that that, I have no issues with the content of the profile.

Although I've already voted yes, I do also sympathize with the above continued concerns with the grammer. If this is a real problem for you to overcome, I do reccomend you persevere. Reading it outloud really is the best remedy.

However, if you are uncomfortable doing that or it really is that big of an issue, I would love to edit it for you, simply fixing grammer to say what I think you are trying to say, and send it to you to check. Send me a DM on Discord(TinTabby) if you want me to do this, I'd be happy to.

thank you for the offer but after these recent changes i just finished making, hopefully they fixed the problems raised earlier

Small thing. In his outfit description it mentions that his jacket usually worn on his shoulders is held in place by a rusted gold chain. Gold doesn’t rust. Just thought I’d throw that out there

Obviously this has no bearing on anything I’m just weird about oddly specific scientific knowledge XD

I should have done more research then, thanks for the heads and i've made the quick fix to that.

I like the character as a whole. His fighting seems a bit chaotic (lol), with him being able to switch from boxing to commanding a snake as tall as a house, this could be interesting, especially if he someday manages to sync his Semblance with his fighting style.

I don't know what the profile was like before you made corrections, but while they're not impossible to understand, some sentences are jarring. This is from his Semblance description : "At a length of sixty feet at most this creature, Castor affectionately names Fidi dwarfs most beasts found outside in the wild". Some sentences like that lack prepositions or seem badly put together. It happens more often towards the end.

For me, everything's good about the "character" aspects, and since the grammar can always be corrected without changing who Castor is, I'm gonna vote Yes.

A character without any real regard for morality can always be interesting to see in action, although you rarely see them being played as a more simple type of character as opposed to the usual cunning and manipulative take on the character trope so it will be interesting to see Castor in action. Speaking of which, I can't point out any overt flaw that would hold me back from voting a no on him and as such, I'll be voting yes.

Myron Hyles wrote: ↑

Sun Feb 07, 2021 4:45 pm

I like the character as a whole. His fighting seems a bit chaotic (lol), with him being able to switch from boxing to commanding a snake as tall as a house, this could be interesting, especially if he someday manages to sync his Semblance with his fighting style.

I don't know what the profile was like before you made corrections, but while they're not impossible to understand, some sentences are jarring. This is from his Semblance description : "At a length of sixty feet at most this creature, Castor affectionately names Fidi dwarfs most beasts found outside in the wild". Some sentences like that lack prepositions or seem badly put together. It happens more often towards the end.

For me, everything's good about the "character" aspects, and since the grammar can always be corrected without changing who Castor is, I'm gonna vote Yes.

yeah that would be my bad, lack of thourgh double checking on my part, dosen't help i tend to do the writing late at night and grammarly isn't always as helpful i wish it could be. gonna still work on fixing those errors in the mean time.

The grammar issues aside, I can give this guy my Yes aswell. I haven't seen any big or jarring issues while looking at the profile and the character itsself seems like a blast. Maybe its because I like characters that use their actual fists or just gloves as their weapons, but that aside I love the concept of his semblance even more. Commanding a snake as tall as a house? Sign me up. Can't wait to have him around here.