Colors of Remnant

1. Of course, of age and a bit beyond that.

2. I have relatively little experience in the way of roleplaying, but I did do small group roleplay as well as some tabletop for a while. Not much for forum style roleplay, but I'm looking forward to expanding on that.

3. Valean rain laden clouds poured over head in a dour mood that broke as waves on the woman’s unhindered gait. In thick of the assault from heaven’s arrows was home the blonde head of Wednesday Sanngetall whose dark blue dress remained as such and not a shade darker from the downpour. A thin hum not of her lips accompanied the woman nearing Remnant’s premiere huntsman academy. A huntress in Vale was no strange thing at all, but one that walked dry as if in the sunniest of days drew eyes enough, as did the growing hum and hewing spear resting menacingly on the obelisk of a woman. Rain bent and crashed across an unseen hand that kept the woman safe from cold and damp. Troubles bothered her none as she though back to the task left behind in a forest. Of culling a malignant weed invading on forest stuck in time where soon others’ blades would join in clearing.

Disappointment ringed a cheery step as her hunting grounds were not yet ready. The beasts that lied in wait would prosper and proliferate under her watchful eye to become worthy adversaries. In time, her good hunters would take up arms and slit them down their monstrous hides and rend white skull branches as fragments underfoot. From broken bodies of their own or foes', warriors would stand in place to deliver unto soulless gifts in kind from them received. No mercy from these beasts that set upon us. No mercy, in turn, shall they deign unto the soulless. She’d taught them so, and hoped it need not bear repeating often.

For now, the thought was of a future far off from tomorrow or after later. The task would see itself done when it was ready. Perhaps it was an eagerness to return and see how her students fared in absence of their professor. Had they missed her as she did them? A woman could hope to be so adored after spending so long a time away that the children would leap above both cloud and sun to learn of her return. Another thought to toy and prod at as she walked the steps worn time and again beneath her heel to the point of deep familiarity. It resembled greeting a friend who had aged walked beside her at every chapter of her life. Beacon had truly been a companion watching over the new chapter she began, as it was for the many that resided on its grounds. A warm place that held soft feelings as well as hardship well fought. A place with people as close as family. How was their day going? Did they finish the work she’d left them with while gone? Did Honey finally snap and slap her sister-in-law? These questions and more were but some of the things she’d wanted to ask once finally home.

Since there is no actual guidelines for Teacher characters as of yet, I will be using the following criteria along with the rules for Collective Roleplayers:
    -A fully fleshed out Semblance, no more evolving or new stuff to come upon later on.
    -A backstory that incorporates at least what academy they went to and their life as a Huntsman before becoming a teacher.
    -An area of expertise in battle 
    -Specific classes that they teach
    -How they view/teach/treat students
    -Why they are teaching instead of anything else
    -At least 30 years old

First off, I second what Honeydew is saying about the backstory. It's long enough and a lot of that is restated multiple times. Making it more concise would be good. Putting the great read of the second half aside, although it does tell of her story in good depth, I feel like a lot of this doesn't quite pertain to becoming a teacher. I like the whole Lopt thing but it's an added few thick paragraphs to read through to get to why she's a teacher. Another thing about being concise is that each category here is multiple long paragraphs long and makes it almost a bother to try and find some info about her. Like looking for a piece of hay in a hay stack.

I also agree that her reasons for becoming a teacher seem like she was sorta done with her whole previous life, shrugged, and said "why not?". As Honeydew pointed out, the school itself would want to hire known Huntsman while Wednesday is a foreign tribal leader legend. Would they want that around the students? She's cool for sure, but as a teacher? Would Wednesday even be fine with staying up late grading tests?

One thing that I don't see is how she interacts with students at all. Is she kind to them? I don't think she would be. Does her "group above the individual" mindset make her a more disliked teacher by the student body? I bet with this she'd be grading everyone on a bell curve, which would make her classes hard and competitive as well, which is something Wednesday likes.

As a segway, her weapons! Holy crap can they do a lot and I have to do mental gymnastics just to think about how everything fits in such a small package while having so many Dust capabilities, I'm not going to list them here again. Where the heck is the Dust stored just for the innate things the weapon can do? Why does she have a Hard-Light scope when it's a shotgun? To quote from the Character Creation Guide on weapons: "Sometimes, though, weapons can go too far. A tiny handheld pen that somehow conceals all the mechanics of a multi-platform shoulder-mounted rocket launcher is obviously a bit much for suspension of disbelief"

And to heck with Grimm Studies, she should be teaching the Dust class if she could make something like that. Translation: Either make her a Dust teacher(which doesn't fit her other than her weapon) or dumb down the weapon, and maybe tone the weapon down anyway. It's just a ton in a such a small package and I don't really think so much can fit into such a thing, nor should it be. Keep it simple, because a lot of that stuff overloads the fact that it's a dagger and ax combo that can turn into a halberd or spear or whatever.

One thing about her Semblance is that you mention that she can't effect something with Aura, but say you can rattle someone's skull. Wouldn't they have Aura to stop it? Or is it more of an active Aura channel, like an active Semblance, that would stop hers cold? Also the statement that "Dust is not a field she refuses to engage in" Makes it sound like she doesn't deal with it much but will. But if you look up to her weapon, it's clear that she is very engaged in Dust. Another reason to tone the weapon down a couple of notches. Also, aside from taking down a building, you don't talk about how much cost it takes to things like vibrate a blade or sound-proof a room, nor do you say if she can do these things passively or if she has to actively expend an amount of Aura for each individual working.

In her Likes, you state that she has Ravens. These are new and not mentioned anywhere, but she could have gotten pets after becomign a teacher, I suppose.

As a possible fix to her giant backstory and to maybe mix it up so it makes sense with her being a teacher, what if she actually did leave at a young age to follow her dreams and became a Huntress? Came back to her people in peril, helped out, became a legend, and when she was found and hurt she had an actual home to go to. She was recognizable, people heard the stories of what she was doing, and she was recognized for her experience in war and fighting Grimm. Lose some of the Dust stuff, focus more on the fighting and strategy and knowing your opponent. Heck, like you stated on the Discord, you could make her solely in charge of the Grimm Hunt that's coming up. Just leave it to that. Or both a teacher and that, I suppose. Either way, yeah.

With all of these in mind, it's going to be hard for me to say yes until these are seen to.

I think the biggest thing for me is the motivations for becoming first a Student, then a Huntsman, then a Professor in that chronological sense.

That being said, Wednesday definitely shows a clear motivation for wanting to join an Academy and become a Huntress. Following a family member's footsteps covers that pretty well. I definitely dig the Viking vibe that pervades her homefront's culture and style. You did well spinning this particular aspect of her, it's always great to see characters that come with a culture attached that's all their own. I think it's the thing that stands out to me as the most unique about Wednesday, and it's a great trait to have.

So, I do have some feedback to address regarding her profile, though. Namely, the thing I've noticed the most is that there is often redundant information within some paragraphs, namely a little bit in her personality section and quite a fair amount in her backstory. Specifically, the notion that the peoples of her home island fractured, and the fact that a deadly winter set in is repeated a few times, enough that it's kind of distracting. I definitely suggest sifting back through it and trying to eliminate areas where the same information is offered multiple times. Being concise will go a long way with her, because reading through it as-is it's a little difficult to maintain focus on what is being said when your brain gets pulled back to the same bit of info you've already absorbed. It makes it so you have to pull out individual pieces on your own to get the full picture and it's tedious at best. Remember, with these profiles, they're to give others a clear picture of your character, so you wanna make sure they can easily understand the material here. I could definitely see people who treat RP in a more casual sense or who don't have the time passing up reading a lot of her backstory, and that's no fun cuz it's a good read.

I might give you some more specifics later, but after looking at it again, specifically in the first two paragraphs of the Great Winter area, it actually feels like the second paragraph is essentially saying the same exact stuff as the first one, just in different words. Examples:

1st Paragraph - "The harsh winter that befell them ... so severe that the decision was made to evacuate for the mainland"
2nd Paragraph - "the harshest cold slowly taking over the island was pushing them out from their home."

1st Paragraph - "Escalation eventually attracted the creatures of Grimm ... such visceral emotion attracted the Grimm."
2nd Paragraph - "The Grimm, naturally, sensed the weakened population ... precarious position the inhabitants were in"

1st Paragraph - "vied for scarce resources against surrounding towns and amongst each other"
2nd Paragraph - "fear of being locked on a dying island to freeze or starve"

These sorts of things feel really close in proximity and overall these two paragraphs felt quite like reading the same thing twice. I do understand that they're probably intended to give a picture first of what was happening on Sanus, and second what was happening on the island, but I really feel these two could be condensed, preferably together into one paragraph, in order to better outline the overall picture without it being split in two and having much of the desperation of the situation repeated. I think that would help the overall understanding along well. There's also a few other instances of this sort of thing happening throughout the article, though not in as close proximity, in most other cases repetitive information could be simply removed, if you're ever willing.

It is, however, very well written (although there are a few minor errors here and there so check for those if you do go back through in the future, then it will be brilliant in appearance!) and I can clearly see the amount of meticulous effort spent on this profile, so well done there.

Anyway, that's all my optional feedback for you to consider, but here's the important thick of it:

The main issue I'm not so sure about is her attachment to Beacon. Obviously, her position there wasn't gained in a normal sense such as training at the school, working as a Valian Huntress, and then becoming a Professor, rather it was more a jump past studenthood and a career as a licensed Huntress before landing the job as a consultant then a full-time Professor. I think where my issue lies is with this, given all the rest of her detailed backstory. It's kind of passed on and delivered at the end with a 5-year time skip. I suppose there's not necessarily anything wrong with glossing over a period of study, but it feels odd to me that Beacon might choose her to replace a tenured Professor when that wouldn't really be considered promoting from within their own ranks, at least without any given justification for this move. And, basically, her motivations are in place right up until the point where she's offered the job, then the whole thing fell a bit flat for me. It leaves questions to be answered. Why'd she choose to accept the job after being so unsure? She had closure for her previous life, but what actually drove her to choose Beacon over anything else, such as rejoining her kin and being a living legend? She fostered a fondness for teaching while acting as a consultant, but why did Beacon select her over other Huntsmen for the job, and why did she choose Beacon over another teaching gig, perhaps back at home? The end of the backstory doesn't really give a clear picture of why she would want to remain in Vale, or what Beacon actually thinks about her.

And this bit confuses me too:
"Wednesday spent the next five years getting dual degrees for Grimm studies and Military Science over roughly a decade to earn her credentials"
Was it 5 years or 12? o-o;
Seems also kind of strange to me that they'd offer her the job before she was actually qualified for the position, only to wait like... years for her to assume the position.

This ending bit, the mechanics of wanting to be, being chosen to be, and becoming a Professor, these need to be outlined further before I can give Wednesday a yes vote. She has enough motivation, a childhood dream so to speak, for becoming a Huntress, but seeing as being an active-duty Huntress and a Professor are very different courses, this cannot be ignored. If you can address these issues, though, then you'll probably get the yes from me. Either way, I still think she's awesome and has all the potential to make a colorful addition to the site as a whole.

Disclaimer, I have only looked at the semblance so far and found that it probably needs some more limitations and better definitions of how it functions.

"Hrist is a Semblance that amplifies the intensity of vibrations. It does not produce vibrations itself, but affects ambient ones to increase their frequency and strength using her own Aura as the medium"

All matter is vibrating all the time. The only matter in the universe that isn't vibrating is matter that is somehow at zero degrees kelvin. You can now use this definition of vibrations to justify controlling any type of matter. Even without using this definition, there are still issues. Any object experiences vibrations whenever a soundwave impacts it. A door to a room can be seen to 'vibrate' by clapping near it. The vibration will be tiny and not propagate far into the matter of the door, but you could easily justify completely annihilating anything by simply having her snap her fingers and be near an object.

This seems similar to saying that a character can control energy. What kind of energy? What are the limits of their control of energy?

What is stopping her from immediately atomizing someone by touching them and vibrating her hand like the Flash might if she can turn her knuckles into a cutting edge? Can she snap her fingers and turn the vibrations into a shockwave? What can she do with a weapon that already produces powerful shockwaves?

I think the semblance needs more well-defined limits and is too all-encompassing as presented.

Originally, I was considering sending this feedback over PMs. I've decided to keep my full feedback here because I think this profile raises a few really big points that are useful to keep in mind for all of us going forward, both as writers and as people providing feedback on approvals.

Normally I like to take a sort of structured approach to offering feedback, but this one might be a little chaotic and disorganized. Also, my feedback is not complete. While I was working on this feedback I began to question what I was doing and why. Is every person that comes to this forum entitled to a complete essay full of qualitative feedback from myself, or anyone else? What purpose does my feedback serve? Is the purpose of our approval process related to my desire to give high-quality, productive feedback to others?

The conclusion I came to is thus: The approval process should be a simple one. The main reason we have this process is to keep bots and trolls out. The other benefits of the approval system stem from how we can use it to help ensure newcomers have a good intuitive understanding of Remnant and collaborative storytelling in general, in combination with offered rules and guidelines. Feedback we give is our chance to help with this process instead of simply gatekeeping, which is generally something I'd like to see our community avoid.

When our feedback starts getting focused on subjective taste or quality, we approach the end of our obligations. Advice and feedback about what we like or don't like cannot be meaningfully enforced by our staff, and new writers going through approvals generally are free to take it or leave it when it comes to this kind of feedback. I don't feel that our approval process should be excessively concerned about subjective quality, as I believe that we should at least attempt to be open to diverse levels of skill in writing in this community.

So, soapboxing aside... what does this mean specifically for Wednesday? Speaking plainly, it means that I don't want to fully critique this profile and offer a ton of detail-oriented feedback in its current state. This profile is massive - more than 10,000 words, which is about 1/5th of the word count necessary for a piece of literature to be considered a novel. Editing and reviewing work like this is a monumental task. As others have pointed out in conversation on our Discord, this highlights a big flaw of the current approval system. Approvals are done on a volunteer basis and there are no direct, mechanical incentives to participate in said system. The thing that keeps us all coming back is fun, and trying to be consistent and professional about feedback for long durations is... well, not everyone's idea of a good time.

So, now that I'm done going on about the approval system, I can proceed. I have still attempted to at least skim this profile and try to give at least a little bit of direction, but I know for a fact that I missed details and that my criticisms may be flawed or unhelpful in places. I did my best. When this profile has received some edits, I am willing to perhaps revisit it and offer more detailed feedback in the future. There is a lot left for me to address about this character that I simply can't do right now.

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-I think Bartok's point about how the backstory and how it doesn't pertain to Wednesday's present day status is relevant and practical feedback, because it gives you an idea of what sorts of details to prioritize in the future with your presentation. Building on this, it may be helpful to consider what specifically you're aiming to accomplish with your backstory. In many cases, the purpose of the backstory seems to be to help clarify and explain who a given character is in the present by elaborating on key details of their past. I emphasize key details. It's literally impossible to fully list a whole lifetime's worth of events in a succinct manner, so by necessity, all writers have to actively prioritize which events bear mentioning versus which ones might be better off spontaneously being brought up in a thread, or even simply omitted altogether for the time being.

How do we determine what events in a character's past are higher priority? Well, we have to look at the present day image we have of our character and make observations. What details about this person's appearance, values and perspectives are most important? When you have answered that question, one possible next step could be to try and reflect on what specific events of their past correlate to these values you've decided on. You definitely don't need to exhaustively detail everything in a given character's past. Instead, you want to try and look at the past as a tool to help define the character's present. You can also use both the past and the present to foreshadow the future, if you wish.

One thing I do want to make clear about this part of my feedback is that it is still okay for things like this to be really long, and not all writing has to have a point or purpose. As someone who likes to exhaustively detail things about my own characters, I feel it'd be hypocritical of me to not mention that this scale of elaboration can be a perfectly healthy, normal and fun part of writing. It can be a way to brainstorm, and it can be a way to help figure things out about a character. Writing with intent to satisfy an audience and/or succinctly convey information by necessity requires a writer to prioritize and structure things differently, however.

-Your writing style is very ornate and extravagant at times, and a consequence of this is that your word choice tends to really draw attention to itself, occasionally interrupting the flow of your work. This is pretty subjective criticism, as others may not necessarily agree with me and may not have difficulty following along with your word choice. That said, there are still a few practical things you can try to help ensure that people can follow along. You can stop and read something out loud, for example. Another thing you can do is seek out a second opinion. When in doubt, it's always better to err on the side of simplicity. Words are just symbols we use to convey meaning. Meaning and clear intent in profile presentation, generally speaking, strike me as more important than what specific words we use.

-The 2nd paragraph of this backstory is an example of something I'd trim or omit. This paragraph elaborates quite heavily on Jormunborg itself, and reads like an attempt at worldbuilding. An example of something that I think you did well is the 4th paragraph, which much more directly informs a reader about Wednesday directly.

There is a lot of rich detail on Wednesday and there was clearly a great deal of effort invested in this character. Unfortunately, our role in approvals is confined to addressing the presentation we see. A lot of what you've written here probably shouldn't be simply deleted outright, as it seems like it will be helpful to you going forward as you iterate, develop, and make changes to this character. That said, it's okay to omit a lot of this stuff from the profile I think, to make it so reading the profile and responding to it is a less daunting prospect.

Please let me know if anything about my feedback was unclear. My goal is to help, not to judge. I am withholding my vote on this profile for now.