1. Are you 18 or older? We want to know if anyone is under 18 years of age. Being under 18 will not bar you from participating in our community. Rather, this will allow us to gauge who is acting inappropriately toward minors.
Yes I am 18, and then some...
2. Do you have past experience with collaborative writing or roleplay, and if so, roughly how much? You can be brief. This is intended to help us provide useful feedback in your approval.
Had many many posts on the old site. I also now have a lot of RP experience from Starfinder / Pathfinder Characters as well as being a dork on Moon Guard in WoW.
3. You may include an optional (SHORT!) Roleplay sample for people to read that gives a feel for your character in writing
http://rwby-rp.com/viewtopic.php?f=21&t=8307&sid=d2386a95375490fb7284606c103139a7
(One of my favorite threads from the Old Site that really captured my writing)
Jim Lavay
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Ax L Rose
- Posts: 282
- Joined: Sat Feb 06, 2021 2:27 pm
- Age: 23
- Gender Identity: Female
- Race: Faunus - Major Mitchell's Cockatoo - Feathers
- Aura Color: Electric Blue
- Occupation: Huntress
- Semblance Name: Harmonize
- Weapon Name: Electra Heart + Rebel Yell
Welcome back to Colors, Jim! I missed you 
Here is some feedback I have for your profile on Jim. I haven't looked at your other characters that are also submitted yet, so it's possible some of my feedback may end up being redundant, or may apply to more than one character because of the way Cassandra and Jim's backstories naturally intersect.
1. In the outfit description, you note that Jim once had a "lack of proper aura". This seems a little strange in the context of the setting, where huntsmen and huntresses generally seem to be expected to generate some level of aura in order to be admitted to a combat school or a huntsman academy (the obvious exception being a character like Jaune that deceived their way into the school). You could probably just leave out what he used to wear and focus on his current outfit.
2. It's noted in this backstory that Cassandra was a mercenary, and the role of a mercenary is referenced a few times throughout. The role of mercenaries in the setting of RWBY is largely unclear when considered against Huntsmen and Huntresses, who are essentially kingdom-sanctioned mercenaries operating under a different title. I suppose it's possible that there are smaller mercenary companies that operate without license or comparable regulation. I only mention this because the option of simply becoming a mercenary and requiring none of the training of a huntsmen or huntress seems like it would, in some regions of the world, invalidate the benefits or purpose of a huntsman academy altogether. For that reason, it might be beneficial to elaborate on the nature of this work and how legal it may or may not have been.
3. Building a little on my above feedback, Jim is stated to have been a bodyguard/mercenary to various VIPs prior to being certified as a huntsman, without any specifically given qualifications or formal training. This raises a question: why would someone wealthy or influential hire a bodyguard that lacked any obvious credentials? Why would they not simply seek out the services of a huntsman? I think there are a few ways this could be answered. Wealthy people might have wanted someone 'off the books' to help them for various reasons, or they might have otherwise not trusted kingdom-sanctioned warriors. It's also possible that Jim forged credentials, or had underworld contacts who may have worked as intermediaries that helped him find unregulated work. Obviously how you elaborate on this is up to you.
4. This backstory made me want to learn more about the huntsman that was there when Jim reached the heights of his semblance. Who were they, and why did they sponsor Jim's journey to Beacon? It seems implied that it was because of his strength, but it seems equally reasonable that this huntsman might have witnessed what occurred and assumed Jim was too reckless or dangerous to sponsor. What made this person decide to help?
5. As the backstory reaches the 19-22 section, it starts to feel progressively more rushed. Plot events from Jim's past are referenced but aren't fully elaborated on - while I recognize these as references to real plot events that you wrote out in the past, a new or fresh reader may have a harder time following this part. I think most of these details are probably fine to keep, but the presentation could use a little attention. I think further elaboration is one avenue you could take, though it would obviously result in a longer, wordier profile that asks for more attention from the reader. Alternatively, you could try to make this section of the profile more succinct and tidy so that it raises fewer questions. I'm not suggesting you change what happened, only that you adjust how you present it.
6. Colors hasn't made official rules for Huntsman characters to my knowledge. That said, I personally don't like the idea of everyone simply being forced to play students until all the groundwork is laid necessarily, and I'm open to the idea of everyone being able to play huntsmen-type characters so long as these characters are made in the spirit of collaboration. With that said, I think it might be worth including a note somewhere on the profile what Jim does that keeps him active in the Vale region. It might also be worth it to include some kind of justification for why he might be seen or interacted with at Beacon. Perhaps he's a student-mentor, studying to become a professor someday, or some other thing.
While I see some room for improvement regarding this profile's presentation, I don't think it's anything that should bar you from getting to play Jim. You can always iterate on him and make changes or improvements as you play. My vote is a yes.
Here is some feedback I have for your profile on Jim. I haven't looked at your other characters that are also submitted yet, so it's possible some of my feedback may end up being redundant, or may apply to more than one character because of the way Cassandra and Jim's backstories naturally intersect.
1. In the outfit description, you note that Jim once had a "lack of proper aura". This seems a little strange in the context of the setting, where huntsmen and huntresses generally seem to be expected to generate some level of aura in order to be admitted to a combat school or a huntsman academy (the obvious exception being a character like Jaune that deceived their way into the school). You could probably just leave out what he used to wear and focus on his current outfit.
2. It's noted in this backstory that Cassandra was a mercenary, and the role of a mercenary is referenced a few times throughout. The role of mercenaries in the setting of RWBY is largely unclear when considered against Huntsmen and Huntresses, who are essentially kingdom-sanctioned mercenaries operating under a different title. I suppose it's possible that there are smaller mercenary companies that operate without license or comparable regulation. I only mention this because the option of simply becoming a mercenary and requiring none of the training of a huntsmen or huntress seems like it would, in some regions of the world, invalidate the benefits or purpose of a huntsman academy altogether. For that reason, it might be beneficial to elaborate on the nature of this work and how legal it may or may not have been.
3. Building a little on my above feedback, Jim is stated to have been a bodyguard/mercenary to various VIPs prior to being certified as a huntsman, without any specifically given qualifications or formal training. This raises a question: why would someone wealthy or influential hire a bodyguard that lacked any obvious credentials? Why would they not simply seek out the services of a huntsman? I think there are a few ways this could be answered. Wealthy people might have wanted someone 'off the books' to help them for various reasons, or they might have otherwise not trusted kingdom-sanctioned warriors. It's also possible that Jim forged credentials, or had underworld contacts who may have worked as intermediaries that helped him find unregulated work. Obviously how you elaborate on this is up to you.
4. This backstory made me want to learn more about the huntsman that was there when Jim reached the heights of his semblance. Who were they, and why did they sponsor Jim's journey to Beacon? It seems implied that it was because of his strength, but it seems equally reasonable that this huntsman might have witnessed what occurred and assumed Jim was too reckless or dangerous to sponsor. What made this person decide to help?
5. As the backstory reaches the 19-22 section, it starts to feel progressively more rushed. Plot events from Jim's past are referenced but aren't fully elaborated on - while I recognize these as references to real plot events that you wrote out in the past, a new or fresh reader may have a harder time following this part. I think most of these details are probably fine to keep, but the presentation could use a little attention. I think further elaboration is one avenue you could take, though it would obviously result in a longer, wordier profile that asks for more attention from the reader. Alternatively, you could try to make this section of the profile more succinct and tidy so that it raises fewer questions. I'm not suggesting you change what happened, only that you adjust how you present it.
6. Colors hasn't made official rules for Huntsman characters to my knowledge. That said, I personally don't like the idea of everyone simply being forced to play students until all the groundwork is laid necessarily, and I'm open to the idea of everyone being able to play huntsmen-type characters so long as these characters are made in the spirit of collaboration. With that said, I think it might be worth including a note somewhere on the profile what Jim does that keeps him active in the Vale region. It might also be worth it to include some kind of justification for why he might be seen or interacted with at Beacon. Perhaps he's a student-mentor, studying to become a professor someday, or some other thing.
While I see some room for improvement regarding this profile's presentation, I don't think it's anything that should bar you from getting to play Jim. You can always iterate on him and make changes or improvements as you play. My vote is a yes.
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Jim Lavay
- Posts: 49
- Joined: Mon Apr 26, 2021 11:51 pm
- Age: 23
- Gender Identity: Male
- Race: Human
- Aura Color: Gold
- Occupation: Junior Huntsmen
- Semblance Name: Redline - Hereditary
- Weapon Name: Reclamation
Wow thank you so very much for the Rich feedback. Some of this is really really good and I will absolutely update my profile to reflect. Other things I can kind of explain a little of why it is written in such a way.
1) Yeah, this is pretty straight forward and I will definitely edit to something more apporpriate.
2) I'll reread this. However, she was a mercenary in her late teens when her powers first started coming alive. However, before she attended Beacon.. (Again I'll reread and make sure that this is properly relayed)
3) So I'll make sure I clarify in the writing, but much like his sister he kinda just offered his services. So I'll make sure I set the bar that these were not the elite hiring him. More like just people that needed a cheaper hand to what a more professional person might charge, or at the very least cause them to wait for the proper person to be available.
4) Again, there were story things brewing here and I opted to be more vague. This is something that I will probably work on with time.
5) This one was tough. Like really tough. So one of the reasons why Jim is where he is in his story. Is because his student story has already been told over the course of years of writing. Instead of rehashing that I opted to start him on his next journey. Unfortunately, in the transition of media there are characters that will likely never exist. Event that either are unnamed or didn't happen at all. So ultimately I was forced to really gloss over quite a bit here. As I learn the lore and recent history of Colors I can probably add more relevant and on topic things.
6) Yeah, this one is kinda up in the air and very malleable with what the staff/site are looking for.
Anyway, Ax thank you so much for the feedback this is some really good stuff. I'd love to actually work with you on some this stuff. I have always respected you and your writing. I hope that perhaps I can bounce some idea's off ya!
1) Yeah, this is pretty straight forward and I will definitely edit to something more apporpriate.
2) I'll reread this. However, she was a mercenary in her late teens when her powers first started coming alive. However, before she attended Beacon.. (Again I'll reread and make sure that this is properly relayed)
3) So I'll make sure I clarify in the writing, but much like his sister he kinda just offered his services. So I'll make sure I set the bar that these were not the elite hiring him. More like just people that needed a cheaper hand to what a more professional person might charge, or at the very least cause them to wait for the proper person to be available.
4) Again, there were story things brewing here and I opted to be more vague. This is something that I will probably work on with time.
5) This one was tough. Like really tough. So one of the reasons why Jim is where he is in his story. Is because his student story has already been told over the course of years of writing. Instead of rehashing that I opted to start him on his next journey. Unfortunately, in the transition of media there are characters that will likely never exist. Event that either are unnamed or didn't happen at all. So ultimately I was forced to really gloss over quite a bit here. As I learn the lore and recent history of Colors I can probably add more relevant and on topic things.
6) Yeah, this one is kinda up in the air and very malleable with what the staff/site are looking for.
Anyway, Ax thank you so much for the feedback this is some really good stuff. I'd love to actually work with you on some this stuff. I have always respected you and your writing. I hope that perhaps I can bounce some idea's off ya!
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Bartok Evergreen
- Posts: 253
- Joined: Fri Dec 18, 2020 11:13 am
- Age: 18
- Gender Identity: Male
- Race: Faunus (Vampire Bat)
- Aura Color: Blood Red
- Occupation: Student
- Semblance Name: Bleed and Drink
- Weapon Name: Coiled Sting
Wow. 6 feet and 215 pounds. Muscly boy. I like.
I honestly was going to say what Ax said, but they said it better than I could. If Jim's story is already told then I find it perfectly fine to just make him a Huntsman and not go over that stuff again. However, he may be barred from approval simply because they are yet to be allowed. But I hope that they are allowed shortly after/when the combat system is finalized, because going on Hunts with accomplished Huntsman could be great teaching moments.
Though the character as a whole is fine in the other ways and fits all the criteria. I'll vote yes, but not with the expectation that he'll be approved simply because of him already graduating.
I honestly was going to say what Ax said, but they said it better than I could. If Jim's story is already told then I find it perfectly fine to just make him a Huntsman and not go over that stuff again. However, he may be barred from approval simply because they are yet to be allowed. But I hope that they are allowed shortly after/when the combat system is finalized, because going on Hunts with accomplished Huntsman could be great teaching moments.
Though the character as a whole is fine in the other ways and fits all the criteria. I'll vote yes, but not with the expectation that he'll be approved simply because of him already graduating.