Medici Koblat character approval

[Al Ciendra]

I can vibe with the idea of having an "evil " character and do enjoy the concept of what you have written down.

But, the description you provided seriously lacks in detail and there is so much information that is just entirely missing.

Why is he so old for a student ?
What are his motives ?
Why is he even at beacon ?
Why would anyone want to fight for his respect ?

Overclocks explanation is also lacking.
You say it replenishes Aura but that is also drains Aura ?

There are a few more details I'd like to see, but what I mentioned above are the most glaring issues to me.
For now I'm going to hold out on voting until you rework this profile.

[Maria Ravenheart]

While a concise profile can be nice, this one is rather lacking in details like Al has mentioned. A lot more information is needed to flesh out the character. Furthermore, I think you should probably have another read at the rule posts and character creation guidelines.

While baggages and drawbacks are fine to have in a character, encouraged even, I don't how someone that's diagnosed a sociopath and psychopath would be accepted to Beacon.

If being a beacon student isn't what your goals are, once again, I highly recommend you to have another look at the rule posts and world setting posts.

With all that being said, it will have to be a No for me.

[Bartok Evergreen]

If you were going for making a villain character, someone not a student, I could see why you went with some of the things you went for. The age, the mental disorders, the weapon, etc. However, as villains are not yet permitted I'm going to have to vote "no".

Also, things like backstory aren't meant to hide things from other people finding out. Filling it out to give much less vague details is prefered. Not that every detail has to be expressed as some might want keep a few things secret to come out in RP, but most of it should be there. Having them 'appear' during the radicalization of the White Fang I think is ok, you don't need to detail who their parents are and why they went bad. I hope you get what I mean.

[Ax L Rose]

Generally speaking, Medici does not strike me as a character that is designed with the spirit of collaboration in mind. There are numerous inconsistencies with his design. For these reasons, my vote is a no. Below are some observations I made that may help give you some direction about what to consider and what to change should you try to rework this character.

-It will help other writers if you actually post the character's name in the appropriate field so they don't have to pull up your character's profile and read the Personality Description to know his name.

-At a whopping 7'5", this character could meet the diagnostic criteria for gigantism. His extremely unusual size is nothing more than a footnote in this profile, however. I think anyone in this community obviously should be allowed to make a giant, but the lack of detail makes the decision to make this character so unusually tall seem very whimsical.

-Medici's backstory is extremely sparse, and really does not give any real idea as to what kind of experiences shaped this person into who they are. I can summarize everything this backstory taught me about Medici's history in a single sentence: He's a psychopathic mercenary that has no documented history prior to the radicalization of the White Fang and is entirely self-taught. Confusingly, you go on later to imply that Medici's training included teaching "through different means" involving huntsmen, military vets, bandits, and other mercenaries, which contradicts the impression I was given by this backstory. I'd recommend elaborating on Medici's experiences with these various peoples in the backstory itself. In general this lack of information puts anyone that is considering writing with you at a disadvantage, as they have no idea what they're getting into.

-The Hand of God being referred to directly as an American-made GAU-8 Avenger is a little strange in the context of RWBY, a setting where no such model of weapon is implied to exist. I don't think there's anything wrong with having a minigun, but referring to this weapon the way you do is pretty odd.

-I was not able to visualize this character's fighting style based on the description you gave.

-It is unclear what exactly Medici's semblance does beyond enhancing his physical capabilities - you say that it replenishes aura, but in the same paragraph state that his aura drains when his semblance is used. This semblance also strikes me as quite generic, seemingly implying nothing about the character's personality and being more or less redundant with the functions Aura already seems to have.

-I find it very strange that in the Strengths area you write that this character "can blend into any crowd" given his status as a faunus mercenary (not a huntsman) with a massive, unwieldy-looking weapon and a height of 7'5".

-I also find it strange that this character is implied to have a soft spot for people in comparable positions as him when he's a diagnosed psychopath. Having psychopathy would seem to indicate that he's actually pathologically incapable of having a soft spot.

-It's really unclear what role 'mercenaries' have in Remnant outside of perhaps the criminal underworld or maybe regions where Huntsmen don't operate, as they seem more or less to be a completely redundant concept when you consider what Huntsmen do.

A fully fleshed out profile may seem like a formality, but its main value is in helping other writers make informed decisions about what kind of scenes and characters might gel best with your own. Roleplay isn't guaranteed - no one here is forced to interact with anyone. It's on each person as an individual to provide enough information to encourage others to interact with their characters.

[SheidelII]

The profile you’ve provided for review has information on the character that makes their placement in the setting hard to believe. In Colors, we’re working with the ruling that Beacon Academy allows for students ages 17-21 with a few exceptions being permitted for rare cases, but as a 26-year-old, Medici Koblat is simply too far out of the age range to be enrolled. The other characteristics you’ve given him are also cause for issue as he is a diagnosed psychopath AND sociopath, both conditions that make his admittance into our Beacon Academy setting extremely unlikely. Students with conditions and disabilities are allowed to attend if they pass a mandatory psychiatric evaluation along with a physical and are found to be of sound mental and physical health, but given the lack of details in Medici Koblat’s Personality description and Backstory, you haven’t provided reason enough to believe that he is of acceptable state of mind to continue his Huntsman training at Beacon. Acknowledging that his empathy deficiency may become an issue in future situations is a step in the right direction, but you need to follow through in that acknowledgement to not have it just as an accessory to your character. It is a serious condition you can’t treat lightly, and will need you to properly detail the workings and how it affects your character’s behavior and day to day life when interacting with those around him. His Backstory should provide the upbringing that would produce such a person so that we can understand why he is the way he is. What events happened that molded Medici Koblat to be the kind of person that he is today?

As for Backstory, Medici Koblat’s history must be given for review so as to ensure the character is appropriate for the setting you want to join. It is an important part of a character’s profile and the lack of information doesn’t help in the review process. Where he came from and how he got to where he is in Beacon are events you must provide. Mystery can be a nice thing as an aspect to a character, but it is better done through roleplay than leaving out for when you want to get your character approved. There is very little to go on, and we can’t help you if you don’t help us. You mention how he was taught by various other combatants throughout his life on his travels. That’s something to work from when writing out his Backstory. Describe how he traveled through Remnant and met these people in his life that all led him to attending Beacon. Where did he come from? What’s the reason for him traveling in the first place? What are his goals? Consider these when you write about his life.

The Hand of God’s description will need to be edited so that references to real world entities like a specific gun are removed, but the basic concept is fine as it is. The same goes for his Fighting Style the references “Systema”.

Overclocked is a contradictory Semblance as it replenishes his Aura reserves while simultaneously draining it at an exponential rate. The basic concept of a Semblance that boosts physical attributes can definitely work, but you’ll need to have the mechanics of it make sense. Generally, Semblances are fueled by Aura, so the use of them will place a drain on Aura.

You mention an EOD suit that can enhance his reaction time, yet slows his movement speed. There is never any mention of it anywhere in the profile besides this instance in Weaknesses. If it’s a piece of equipment he carries, you’ll need to describe it along with all the other weapons and gear Medici has in his arsenal.

Others have said things I agree with already, so I won't repeat those. I recommend you read through the Character Creation Guide we have in Approvals to help you get an idea of the guidelines for making a character here. This character will need some work before they’re ready for roleplay, but there’s potential here. Work with the setting so that you can play the kind of character you’re going for, but understand that this is a collaborative writing community. The goal is to create stories with others. As Medici Koblat is right now, I can't say he's ready.

[Kailyn Keison]

This profile reads more like a blurb in a fighting game character selection screen whose lore is told through fanzines than it does for a character on an RP site.

I agree with all of the above critique my colleagues provided.

Sorry, but it's a 'No' from me.

[SheidelII]

With a total of 5 'No' votes, I will now be locking the thread as per the Rules. You've received a lot of feedback and I hope this provides you with plenty of material to go over when making adjustments to Medici Koblat's profile. Once you think he's ready, post up a new approval thread for voting!

In the meantime, you can ask for additional feedback on the Discord server as well if you want to.